Monday, January 23, 2006

Heavy Metal fashion no-no's

Let loose the balloons and the confetti! Why? Because this is my 100th post. Well, not that big a deal, but I am surprised that I have managed to do that many. For the momentous occasion, I decided to list the 10 worst heavy metal fashions that I could think of. You may say that it doesn't matter how a band dresses and that it is the music that counts and you would be right. Yet I know that I have judged bands based on their appearance before so it can make a difference. So here are the top ten heavy metal fashion offenses, the culprits and the date or tour that the crime was committed.

10.Wearing brightly colored jock straps and cups over your pants- committed by Raven 1985-87
They were actually an established band before they started doing this, but they started wearing them about the time they got signed to a major label.
9.Wearing outfits covered in graffiti- Twisted Sister 1985
For the Come out and play tour Dee Snider wore an outfit that looked like it was covered in graffiti and the other guys wore new costumes as well. Their was planned for six months, but was cancelled after just three weeks of playing half empty arenas.
8. Wearing leather outfits with bright colored swirly patterns- Judas Priest 1986
Not the worst outfits around, but it makes my list because these guys were one of the founders of wearing basic black leather. Yet after being in the business for over ten years they came out on the Turbo tour wearing outfits that made them look like Circus performers.
7. Wearing suits of armor and chainmail- Armored Saint 1983-84
Normally just two members would wear suits of armor and have a battle at the start of the show. They also wore chainmail during early performances. Not the worst crime in the world,but these guys were such a great band that they did not need the gimmicks.
6.Wearing large bowties with polka dots- Quiet Riot 1979
I still remember the first time I saw the late Randy Rhoads wearing a blue vest and matching large bow tie that were both covered with white polka dots. No wonder those first two albums were only released in Japan.
5-Anything worn by Paul Stanley- Paul Stanley 1985-86
On the Asylum tour Paul Stanley wore a few really bad outfits. Such as the green and pink overcoat with matching gloves. There was also some lovely outfit that looked to be comprised of numerous ripped pink and purple t-shirts. Perhaps these outfits were worn to blind people so they wouldn't realize that Paul Stanley was no longer playing his guitar by this point.
4-Wearing baggy jacket and pant suits- Dokken 1985
I wasn't sure how to describe them, but I am referring to the outfits worn on the cover of Under lock and key. This was also right around the time that the band starting having trouble getting along. Coincidence? I would begin to resent someone if they made me wear one of those.
3-Wearing a loincloth and nothing else- Ted Nugent 1980-81
It couldn't be comfortable to wear and it's no joy to look at either.
2-Wearing chaps with no pants underneath- David Lee Roth 1986-88, Blackie Lawless of WASP 1984
Please, there are men in the audience. Have mercy upon their eyes.
1-Wearing outfits of yellow and black stripes- Stryper 1983-1988
At no time in the recorded history of man has it been cool to look like a giant bumble bee.

Now here is the other side of the coin.

Top five best dressed metal bands or artists
1. Motorhead - Black leather, denim and plain t-shirts have always been cool.
2. Iron Maiden - A bit more flashy than Motorhead, but still simple and cool.
3. Alice Cooper- Generally he has worn black leather and occasionally the white jacket with matching white top hat with blood splatters. The cane is cool as well.
4. Metallica (1983-87)- They went on stage in the same clothes they wore on the street. Cliff Burton wore bellbottoms in the 80's and a denim jacket in 80 degree weather. They also wore shirts of the bands they liked and didn't even matter if it was punk bands like the Misfits and GBH. I put the years down because they did slow down on wearing other bands shirts around 1988.
5. Ronnie James Dio- Always fairly simple and normally black with some other color thrown in. He has been in the game for a long time and has always relied on his talent more than an image, but he normally looked cool along the way. Even though he may have had to buy child sized outfits.

Now I am off to plan my next 100 posts.

11 Comments:

Blogger Ben Heller said...

Mark.
What a great post !!

I laughed so much at some of the Fashion disaters you put down here. I certainly remember the Judas Priest look...so funny.

I agree with your cool dudes as well, particularly Motorhead.

Happy 100th

9:07 PM  
Blogger bob_vinyl said...

You forgot Anthrax and the colorful surf/skate shorts! I'd put them in the second (good) category, but others may choose the former.

4:17 AM  
Blogger Bruce said...

Kiss' "unmasked" period certainly did result in some serious fashion faux pas. I think I was more disturbed at seeing Gene Simmons dressed like a Miami Vice reject than Paul, though.

5:20 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Agreed on each--especially the chaps, the Paul Stanley gay-as-a-jaybird phase, and the bow tie. For Raven, I would throw in the awful hockey mask (I think that's what it was) that Wacko the drummer wore.

I also feel compelled to throw in anything cowboy-ish and frilly (a la Bon Jovi in most of the 80s, though you may wisely consider that outside the realm of metal in any form).

And congrats on hitting the centruy mark!

-- david

5:37 AM  
Blogger Metal Mark said...

Ben- Thanks. It was a fun post to write.
Bob- The thing with Anthrax is who wants to see Scott Ian's scrawny, pasty white legs on stage?
Bruce- Kiss had some cool outfits in the 70's and some scary ones in the 80's.
David-Rob Wacko Hunter was also known for insane stage antics and had numerous injuries. He left the band in 1987 and got into production work. I agree that cowboy stuff is a no,no as well.

3:14 PM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Great list but I would have to add the Wasp codpiece from hell.

6:59 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

I heard Paul Stanley is quite gay...honestly, people that have met him swear he's more wommanly than a masculine rocker. Maybe that would explain things.

7:23 PM  
Blogger Bruce said...

Ya know, I always thought Paul was a bit swishy(not that there's anything wrong with it, of course).

7:32 PM  
Blogger whtfucover said...

Wearing outfits of yellow and black stripes- Stryper 1983-1988

Yep, you pretty muched pegged that friggin disaster. I forgot about the whole Raven jock strap thing though, but thanks alot for searing that vision back into my brain.

6:23 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Great list! You are my blog hero of the week!

7:37 AM  
Blogger Bruce said...

Was there ever a band that didn't belong in the metal category more than Stryper?

7:43 AM  

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