Hair Metal Hell:Slave Raider - Take The World By Storm

Bmg Music
1989

Andy says-

Consider this a confession. Well, two confessions really. The first is that this week's Hair Metal Hell group is actually more hard rock that hair metal. Secondly despite that groan inducing album cover I have nobody to blame but myself for buying this load of crap rock back in 94 or so. I don't recall the exact date but I do remember finding a used copy (on tape) at a thrift store and saying to myself "Self, maybe this is some decent traditional heavy metal". Decent would be too good for this album. Try dull and boring. That is my biggest complaint. If there is a musical equivalent to watching paint dry then "Take The World By Storm" takes the prize. While it doesn't surprise me that a band from the eighties has a singer called Chainsaw Caine I am surprised by how many people swear by this album. From reviews on the web you would think these guys were some unsung heroes of heavy metal. Take this review from Amazon (where the asking price is over $100 for this "classic"): "Should do plenty for fans of W.A.S.P., Exciter, Omen, Hellhammer and maybe Destruction." Notice I didn't bother fixing that sentence because quite frankly the whole thing is wrong. Slave Raider are awful and generic hard rock. They are not even close to sounding like any of those groups. Not even W.A.S.P. my friends. This is why I never go by reviews on Amazon. There is something seriously wrong with the people that post there.

Checklist:

Out of tune vocals- 4, There is something to be said for a guy with the name Chainsaw Caine. And that is man, he is one flat vocalist. Very one dimensional in fact.

Wanna be rockstar guitars- 5, From the way these guys "rock" out you would think it would all lead somewhere. Instead these guitars just wail away creating the most boring riffs in all of hard rock history.


More hairspray than bass- 3, Even though I don't hear a lot of bass there doesn't seem to be much interest in hair spray. Not that Slave Raider were any better than your normal sleaze rocker of the eighties.


One dimensional drum beats-4, Sort of like one of those clapping monkeys.


Make me wanna puke ballad- 5, The whole album made me want to stick a finger in my mouth and puke. Did I mention how dull and lifeless this album was?

Metal Mark says- I remember first hearing of this band probably not long after it came out. I read a review on it back then and although I remember none of the specifics I am sure that it was positive. In fact every review I read on this over the years has been positive. So here recently I downloaded it (for free) and came to the conclusion that those who like this are either.

A)liars

B)tone deaf

C) both of the above

Based on the album cover it looks like the only raiding they did was to raid their sister's closets and make-up kits. Obviously they spent more time on their look than they did on umiportant aspects of being in a band like rehearsing and learning how to play your instruments. No that's not a compliment to their image either.

Checklist-

Out of tune vocals-4 Uh, yeay dude the tape is rolling so you may want to spit that wad of gum out of your mouth and take a drink of water first. Oh, that is your singing voice? Too bad...for us.

Wannabe rockstar guitars-5 It's like bad Poison riffs only ever so slightly heavier. Yes it really is that bad.

More hairspray than bass-4 There is a lot of things that I hear on this album more than the bass and none of them sound very good. Maybe I am giving them a point off here for not making us hear another bad instrument.

One dimensional drum beats-5 Somehow I picture whoever formed this band finding some friend he thought had "the look" and pulling him in as the drummer. The fact that he didn't know how to play the drums didn't matter. So I picture the other band member slapping his knee and saying this is all you have to do on the drums "slap-slapa-slap-slap-slapa-slap" and once you get the hang of it just mix it up a little from there. Needless to say "the drummer" never rose to the level of mixing it up a little.

Make me wanna puke ballad-These guys tried to be heavier than glam bands of the day, but the results were just as abusive on my ears and digestive system. Stomach Churner would have been a more fitting band name than Slave Raider.

No thanks to Slave Raider for making this album.

Hair Metal Hell: Tryx-Tryx

Andy says-

If ever there was an album cover that just screamed "Just put this down and walk away now for your own good man!" this 1991 album by Tryx is it. Formed in 1986 (first in Fort Lauderdale, Florida before moving to New York, New York before finally taking their "act" to Los Angeles) Tryx released a handful of demos, a EP and this full-length abomination. When people look back at glam metal and snicker you just have to believe that bands like Tryx are the main cause. Where to begin. Well, the album cover is truly awful yes. I get that you want to look the part guys but man it's like a convention of the world's ugliest Poison imposters. Sounding like a poor man's Poison is bad enough let alone dressing like them. Strike that you sound like a dying version of Poison that has been left to die in a gutter somewhere. The production job is awful. It sounds as if the album was recorded in a closet. The music is dreadful. It isn't that it lacks life it actually sucks life out from everything around it. Meaningless and hollow this is not just bubblegum pop metal. No, that would be an insult to both bubblegum and pop not to mention metal. This is more like turd rock. When you do a cover of "Sugar Sugar" and you make The Archies sound not only good but heavy by comparison well...that takes things to a whole new low. The fact is that try as I might I couldn't find one instance where you could justify actually paying someone money to lay this garbage to tape. The fact that they might have actually had a record company interested in them makes me shudder for all those bands who never made it. In Hair Metal Hell there should be a special place for PR people that signed crap like this.

Checklist
Out of tune vocals- 4, There is out of tune and then there is this guy. "Singing" must be a foreign idea in his world.

Wanna be rockstar guitars- 5, Every time I think I've heard some of the worst guitar playing of my life some new band comes along to amaze me. Tryx has opened my eyes to just how much a guitar solo can be tortured.


More hairspray than bass- 5, Where's the bass? I don't think they actually had a bass player. Either that or he never bothered to plug it in.


One dimensional drum beats-4, Tin can drummer wanted. No experience necessary.


Make me wanna puke ballad- 5, I'm not sure these songs even qualify as ballads. That would make it sound as if they were even slightly well crafted "songs".

Metal Mark says-
There were quite a few hair metal bands going in the mid-80's, but between about 1988 and 1991 the floodgates really opened up and tons of the bands were popping otu everywhere. Unfortunately quantity doesn't always mean quality. Hair spray, eyeshadow and bright spandex didn't always mean a band could play their instruments or write anything worth hearing. There are plenty examples that support that theory. For today Tryx will be the example. I can just imagine these genius wannabe rockstars sitting around the breakfast table trying to come up with a cool band name and they looked no further than their breakfast cereal. One of them said "We should call ourselves Trix" and another Einstein in the band "Dude, it would super cool if we change the spelling so let's be Tryx". The rest of them agree and they began doing the important things like designing the logo and put minor items like rehearsing on the back burner. Anyways in the mid-80's I think a number of glam/hair bands were influenced by acts like Motley Crue, Ratt and Twisted Sister which was fine, but things changed in the mid-80's. I don't hate Poison per say, buy even at their best they were so basic. When their debut hit in 1986 it became an influence for a lot of bands who cared more about making a quick buck than they did about trying to become better as a band. So this long winded rant is leading to the fact that Tryx try hard to sound like Poison plus there's some Warrant mixed in too. There are lots of sugary songs and the singer likes to say "baby" a whole lot. This is horrible fluff with little of value. Their ballad "Hold on" will have you throwing up your lunch and then you'll run to get your old Maiden and Priest albums out to cleanse your ears. I'm with Andy about "Sugar, sugar". Don't do a cover if you handle it and if you struggle to cover the Archies then you probably shouldn't be in a band at all. At some point during the recording of this album someone should have said "this is wrong, just put down those instruments, back away, leave and never think about recording again in your lives".

Out of tune vocals- 4, The singer is way off and he just keeps trying to hold onto those notes making my eardrums scream for mercy. Even the back-up vocals were limp.

Wanna be rockstar guitars- 5, This guy wasn't just poor and pathetic but he was actually struggling to get up to being poor and pathetic.

More hairspray than bass- 5, I am guessing the bass player was the guy with the biggest hair because I don't know else he was here.

One dimensional drum beats-3, This guy was playing very simple stuff and he wasn't that good. However given how worthless the guitarist was if you listen closely at least this guy managed to keep the "music" going. And anyone who helped advance these songs to their end deserves a little credit.

Make me wanna puke ballad- 5, What's worse than a terrible power ballad? Two terrible power ballads. What's worse than two terrible ballads? Being stupid and cruel enough to put them back to back on your album.
Scorecard-
Andy gave them a 23
Metal Mark gave them a 22

So the final word should be avoid as in take our words for it and don't go near this one. Oh and don't think that their EP might be better because I heard that one too and in this case the EP should stand for "extra pain".

Hair Metal Hell: Jailhouse

Restless Records
1993

Andy says-

Where to begin. Well, thankfully this is only an EP so the torture is limited so to speak. Jailhouse's debut was a live affair. Because we all know live albums are the way to go right? Right? Anyone? Yeah, not so much. Making this worse is the fact that the band was more or less made up of castaways from Rough Cutt. And Rough Cutt was how popular in the 90s? So, having three members from a band who were on their way out the door should have been a big red flashing light. Sadly Jailhouse ran that red light straight into Hair Metal Hell. This live recording sounds in a word: STERILE. And that is being generous. Obviously the crowd had been given free booze (as this was some MTV event where it was recorded at) to loosen them up for what amounted to second rate hair metal. Covering a Thin Lizzy song only goes to show how far removed you are from the greats especially when it sounds like the worst jailbreak in the history of mankind!

Checklist
Out of tune vocals- 3, He was alright just very uninspiring.
Wanna be rockstar guitars- 4, I'll admit the guitarist can play. He might be the only one who can though making any attempts to rock out sound all the more phony.
More hairspray than bass- 5, What bass? I assumed the guy took a bathroom break during the recording.
One dimensional drum beats-4, He can bang those bad boys alright. "Alright" being the key word.
Make me wanna puke ballad- 5, Martin Luther King was a great man. He deserves better than "Land Of Today" guys. "Please Come Back" sound go back to where it belongs. It sounds like something Poison would write as a joke just to see if they could get away with it.

Metal Mark says-

I stumbled upon this disc because I got them confused with Southgang. I heard a song by Southgand like twenty years ago and remembered likng it. So a few weeks ago I downloaded this thing thinking I had the right band. I still have not gotten around to hearing Southgang and can't comment on them, but I can say that Outhouse...I mean Jailhouse aren't anything to write home about. However they are worth writing nasty things about in this column. It's funny that in the mid-80's Rough Cutt tried to kind of sound like more poular acts like Dokken and failed. A few years later several members had this band going and now they tried to sound like Bon Jovi, but again they fell flat as a pancake. I think the crowd noise was edited and parts were added later to enhance this recording because...
A- I can't imagine any person let alone several chanting "Jailhouse, Jailhouse" like we get here after they absolutely runied Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak".
B- Not once do we hear "you suck" or "get off the stage" and I am sure those were the top two chants that this band heard that night and probably most nights.

Checklist
Out of tune vocals- 3, He could sort of sing, but very little energy. He was just so second rate.

Wanna be rockstar guitars- 4, The guitars were alright, but really dry and lacked much of anything that made me want to hear this album again.

More hairspray than bass- 5, I tried several times to hear the bass and it never happened. I guess they just told the guy to move his head around, look cool but don't you dare plug your amp in.

One dimensional drum beats-4, This could have been a 3 until they got to the cover of Thin Lizzy's "Jailbreak". He was all over the place and not in a good way. He wasn't the only problem, but it was like a blindfolded monkey hitting at trash cans with a hammer. Either he never heard the song before in his life or he was drunk or both.

Make me wanna puke ballad- 5, It's a shame I set these ratings at 5 because they certainly poor were poor enough to go up to 11. The one studio track here "Stand up" could turn even the strongest stomachs. Yes, the time says this song goes five minutes and two seconds, but it felt twice that long. I think they were trying ramble on about some kind of issues, but it was like the rant of crazy man as they tie drugs, nuclear war, starvation, racism and politicians all into one sugary, incredibly drawn out piece of ear torture.

Despite being an EP Jailhouse still managed to cram a whole lot of badness into just five songs.


Scorecard
5 or less - There might actually be something bigger than their hair on this one.
6-10 - The music may have held up as well as their hairspray.
11-15- Aquanet probably made up at least half of their gear.
16-20 -So bad, it'll tease your hair (and turn your brain to mush).
21-25- This will do more damage to your ears than the band's hairspray
did to the ozone layer.

Andy's score-21
Metal Mark's score-21

Hair Metal Hell-The WIld Boyz-Unleashed!

Welcome to the debut of hair metal hell where we'll take a hunk of junk and give it the ripping it deserves.



Polaris Records
1991



Andy says-
Unleashed is the perfect title for this turd. In the toilet bowl word of glam (otherwise known as 2nd and 3rd generation glam) Wild Boyz (who of course made their name tougher by changing that "S" to a "Z") were a last gasp of a dying genre. Thank the dear Lord above it died too with albums like this floating around. Let me state my own shame here and now. I had bands like Firehouse and Mr. Big in my tape collection. Blame it on the drugs or the company I kept (big haired girls were a weakness I'm afraid for a moment or two in time) but even I would have hurled at this offering. I'd say the band "borrowed" from bands like Poison, Warrant, Bon Jovi and Pretty Boy Floyd but the better term would be that they "stole" these riffs. Listening to this was a chore. Maybe chore is to kind as it was more like torture. With that here is my judgement:

Rating out of 5.



Out Of Tune Vocals-4

Wanna Be Rockstar Guitars-4

More Hairspray Than Bass-5

One Dimensional Drums-5

Make Me Wanna Puke Ballad-5



Final words-
In other words avoid at all costs! I'm not sure who exactly this would have been targeted too other than said big haired girls and guys who dressed in drag. Awful. Who needs water boarding when you could just play this album over and over again!




Metal Mark says-

Now I like some glam bands, but unfortunately in the late 80's-90's the flood gates opened up and labels were signing every hair farmer without considering things like talent and originality. So fans ended up with a few years of lame guitar solos, poor writing and of course nauseating ballads. For the debut of this column we chose Unleashed! by Wild Boyz. Never heard this album until recently, but fans of the genre mostly spoke highly of it. The Wild Boyz didn't have an original bone in their bodies. As Andy stated all they did was copy other popular bands and mainly it's Warrant and Poison. So if the best you can be is second rate Warrant then you really shouldn't be making music.This is lame, watered down, sugary slop at it's worst. The music has no soul and very little energy.



Checklist
Out of tune vocals- 3, he wasn't so much out of tune as he was just boring. Lots of lines like "take me honey oh sweet honey" or some true crap like that.
Wanna be rockstar guitars- 5, they didn't overdo the guitars ad much as some other bands, but that's because they don't have the skills to quite do that. However there are some weak squeals, forgettable solos and throwaway rhythms.
More hairspray than bass- 5, definitely because you don't hear the bass. Which if his skill level was equal to his bandmates may not be a bad thing.
One dimensional drum beats-3, he kept time I guess. Still very weak and typical of the style.
Make me wanna puke ballad- 5, the Wild Boyz even made the mistake of "creating" two stomach churning ballads. One just as putrid as the other.





Final words-I guess these guys were that some clueless radio stations would give them a push and that fans with no taste would take to them. Didn't happen and I can see why. There were more annoying bands, but not many that were as generic as this.


Scorecard
5 or less - There might actually be something bigger than their hair on this one.
6-10 - The music may have held up as well as their hairspray.
11-15- Aquanet probably made up at least half of their gear.
16-20 -So bad, it'll tease your hair (and turn your brain to mush).
21-25- This will do more damage to your ears than the band's hairspray
did to the ozone layer.

Andy's score- 22
Metal Mark's score-21

Hair Metal Hell and the 2011 M3 Rock festival

Like any genre of music has both good and bad, but I think that hair metal is definitely a style with far more bad acts than good. Back in the 80's/early 90's it was like for every stand out band like Motley Crue or G-n-R you had 6 or 7 awful bands like London, Trixter or Tuff. This past weekend's M3 festival had me thinking more about how many bad hair bands there were and still are. The Rocklahoma festival was a joke a few years ago and I am sure it's nothing great even now though the bands booked have shifted from all hair bands to more of a combination of bad hair bands and bad bands from more recent styles. However now the aging hair bands have picked up what few original members they have left and moved their creaky sideshow east to not far from where I live in Maryland. That's fine if they want to have a festival and if people want to relive their past and hear these bands play their "hits". However it gets a bit sad when fans of this style try to act like these bands still or ever did matter. Don't get me wrong I like some of these bands or did twenty years ago, but it's fluff music. There are some good up and coming hard rock bands around, but so many fans of this style seem to choose to throw their money and time into reliving the past. Granted some bands at this last M3 festival like Tesla and Whitesnake probably put on decent shows while others like Kix had to be relieved to play in Maryland because it's not like anyone outside of this state cares about them anymore if indeed they ever did in the first place.

Anyways this long grouchy, but spot on rant leads to a new feature that Andy and I will start next week. It's Hair Metal Hell and we'll pick a hair metal stinker and give it what it deserves and do a checklist on it to see if it has certain attributes that many albums of this style had. So stop by next week and praise us, chew us out or do whatever you want.